I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
