There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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