I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
