thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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