why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
