The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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