Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
