I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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