im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
