I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize