I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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