My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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