So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
