I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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