Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
