I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
