we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
