Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
