I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
