I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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