My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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