My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
