One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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