At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I want a musical about memes.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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