Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
