Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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