I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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