My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
