He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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