Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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