Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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