I wish I could teleport
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
