sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
