awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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