whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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