I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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