Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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