this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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