I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
