i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize