Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
