Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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