I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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