I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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