You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
