You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
