I got chris browned last night
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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