Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
