Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Two words: blizzard sex
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
