so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You know, be my cock's hype man.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
