She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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