Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
