he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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