He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
