ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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