You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
