How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
