I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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